As little gay boys we surround ourselves with little women. Kiss chase in the playground and we vehemently wish we were on the little ladies side, not to chase the boys (well a little). We want to be with the little ladies, we want to be part of their power and beauty and have the freedom to explore our femininity with them. Having such femininity within a male body is shamed and difficult to explore with other boys.
Each and every queer boy I’ve met has never told me of a time these little ladies ever turned them away. You always hear of the boys not letting the little gay boy in (insert generic quotes that I know every gay boy already has in his rolodex just ready for the therapist).
Not once have I heard any gay boy say they were refused by a group of girls. Not once. Not only free entry but you are protected by them long before you even know what gay is (in my case anyway). Your mothers skirt you used to hide behind becomes these women who always make it their will to champion you. They allow you to have the strength of owning the fear as a man.
Puberty happens and feelings come to the surface of all our life’s (you know..... when the trouble starts). When our time is right to divulge we do and I wish I had much earlier than I did. Even when I was struggling and the women around me looked me in the eye with the recognition of the hidden truth, still they stuck with me. These women are still by me now, after all the open heartache, they were there before it all became real through voice, admission and mean boys. The girls were there through the unrequited stage, through the bruise of first love, through being shouted at on a night out for being gay, Through endless teary conversations about relationships and through it all, Old gay/female Testament and New female/gay Testament. Let us pray.
There are the girls who know the before and girls that have only known the after. Each soul I have instinctively bowed down to has been the same whether they knew me propping up the coats in the closet or in a fabulous coat out of the closet or as the constantly making mistakes in love, out adult. I’ve never felt like a GBF (ewwww) and haven’t fallen in to the sad little world of the social performing gay. I recently saw images of a gay boy referring to his friends as if he were a pet and they were his owners 🙄, errrr no, not yours it’s not an ownership party or an accessories table of being employed to ego rubb. Leave that to them. When it’s real you are a simply together, no labels, no gimmicks just ferociousness!
Recently to have these warriors go above and beyond to protect me and protect me because they know and recognise the ability we both share under attack, power and vulnerability dancing in the same space. They have given me clarity and laughs! With their sleep over vine watching interspersed with hilarious comments on the situation! When they let me know things I need to and when they act (with actual actions!) on their feelings of injustice and let who ever needs to know, know. They have took me from tears to giggles, anger to gentleness and from fuzzy to clear. They have made me understand what I understood anyway after loosing value. They have brought me back to me time and time again.
Boys and love are a wish of mine for the future of my rivers banks but these women are the water that runs alongside with me. One and the same, powerful and true of current. No gain from trying to swim up stream against the magnitude of bias against us so we weave down stream together. Wishes are to be enjoyed on the banks but inevitably the water moves away from them. We watch one another make the same mistakes, fall for the same type of person, take the wrong job, loose ourselves and we will support till the end. Thanks to my circle being so true there’s something more important than support, a brutally beautiful ability to kick arse when needed. My arse has been kicked! Kicked back to the truth of a black and white situation. Many people have low level bonds that merely serve a purpose (social climbing, prestige ect bleh) and never do they have the incredible benefit of telling the truth to one another. Bonds can stay for years this way but they don’t ever evolve or grow in to something more.
A queer kid sat amongst a group of girls is a magic visual and a visual I see often. I see what the world should be in those little groups. A world where the “woman” in the world rules and opens its arms to accept, protect and love all that it can. There is a universality that is there in young girls and they recognise this being trapped in little gay boys.
Both gay and girl see the in coming threat from the outside and look at a future that recites a cautionary tale of oppression and conformity, the gay boys and the girls have it sorted in the playground. They see the onset of what will happen and huddle together. We have an incredible and unshakable trust in each others power and ability to give that power away. The giving of power is what we recognise as queers and women. We realise from a tiny age that that is what power actually is, power is the ability to give it away. As gay men we are still men, rendered and injured by the same repertoire of ease and self power that bestows any one born male. We sadly often loose that ability of submission to another or to a situation and forget that beauty of true power (through shame). The power that rears children. Some of us don’t forget though and some of us learn and those folk are the ones who are free to feel. The men (gay or otherwise) who have petals dripping from their eyes when they hurt. Those who recognise the hurt and the hurt that comes from the revelation of true feelings when met with the ice of a man concealed by shame and emotional chains. That’s what the problem is in relationships, one giving it all and the other so desperately wanting to but not being able to do so. Making yourself vulnerable is something both gays and women know as a physical being, sexual being and an emotional one. It defines us. It’s sad that it’s often lost once the playground days are over. But it’s not with the female loves of my life. We kept it up!
There is an inherent and instinctive bond that I feel is so innate it goes undiscovered and melts in to what’s expected. It’s such a given it’s not celebrated enough. It’s been the truest of love’s for me and that’s worth celebrating more than anything on Valentines Day.
Let’s all try and be the little girls that let everyone play together, everyday.