CAN WE BE TRUE FRIENDS IF YOU’RE GAY TOO?
I don’t often want my opinions to be wrong, not a virtue of mine. In this case however please prove me wrong. My cynicism being shot down would be a welcome experience in this case only!
When I was in school and eating my lunch in the bathroom I had this perfect image in my mind. The perfect gay best friend I could share everything with. Talk about boys, our family’s and everything else, no holes barred. He would be there for me and me for him. Completely platonic and open friendship where we share everything. My adult life is full of the those friendships and I talk on the phone for hours with friends up north I don’t get to see. We speak about everything good, bad and embarrassing. So my lonely little teenage gay boy got his vision perfectly. Mission accomplished.... only my closest friends are all women and straight men not gay guys. I am yet to forge a lasting deep friendship with a gay man! Is it me?
London is is not like being in a Macclesfield catholic high, it’s teaming with potential gay besties (apologies for the use of that word). Every background, culture, age you can imagine. I’ve also worked in acting, modelling, writing and flowers so I should have been drowned by potential characters just ready to play the role from my teenage vision. The casting rooms empty. This is not a case of not making gay friends, I have, how couldn’t I not in those industries. They just have never amounted to anything deep and when they have they have ended badly and all with similar circumstances.
When I was young I got extremely close to a lad, we laughed, we joked and we spoke about everything. He wasn’t my closest friend but we were on the way. We were young and doing the whole fame school thing and we were in it together and dreaming collectively as a big group. Like if leg warmers were a friendship group, kind of cool but kind of naff.
All of us were close and I was close with this boy. It was a complete friendship between two single gay boys. We partied, cried and watched loose women together. All was well with the world, until something happened. I met someone and that’s where it all changed. He began treating me differently, at first it wasn’t anything overly bad just pointed tones, not saying hello and being cold with my new partner. I was head over heels in love so these little warning signs were noted but not filed. His coldness, I put down to some problem he had that was separate from me, because why would he be unhappy because of me? I would’ve been ecstatic if he found someone (he later did and I was). I tried to speak to him to usher him in to telling me what was wrong to no avail. The minor offness of him became darker, only thing was I didn’t know how dark it had become. It came to light he was discussing me and my partner with utter vulgarity to other members of our group. He lied about me and my past and I ultimately confronted him and he confessed. He explained how he had had feelings for me for a long time and knew I wouldn’t have been interested so settled for a friendship and that it was all fine until I met someone. I still don’t understand why that would mean you’d go out of your way to hurt, not only someone you had feelings for but a friend. We remained aquatinted until he left but we were no longer close as I didn’t want to be. First and foremost he set out to hurt and therefore our friendship was over. Had it really ever began if he felt romantic towards me??
I met someone once who became a friend and I did have small warm feelings for him but he was already in a relationship. I was on a similar page to what my friend had been. My reaction was that I couldn’t be the closest of friends with this person, we could only be acquaintances and that’s fine. I made a decision to protect myself and didn’t start rumours or behave badly. Of course we all feel envy it’s part of being a human, controlling it is part of being a good human.
Believing in something is one thing and I do believe in true gay friendship but I used to believe in god (a lot of catholic primary schooling). Having a true friendship with another gay man has alluded me and not through want of trying. I’ve started to have them but it’s always ended badly. With jealousy, competition, ill will and/or feelings.
I believe my opinions to also work with straight boy and girl relationships although it’s not my expertise. Can you have a platonic relationship with a member of the gender you’re attracted too without one person not having romantic/sexual feelings??? I’ve been shocked by some of my friends thinking there best mate doesn’t have feelings for them when it’s blatantly obvious. “Oh he always picks me up after a night out”, “he talks to me for hours when I’m upset about Kevin”, “it’s just not like that we’re just good friends”. All the while I’ll see this boy/girl literally swooning when they’re around them, looking at them when they think they’re not looking and being too sweet to be wholesome. Love is blind but obviously the one being loved is also blind.
Being blasting down about this opinion is regular for me as it’s disconcerting for people to think their friend wants them and also disconcerting if you are the one who knows you in-fact want to shag your close friend. You don’t want to be exposed. We’ve all been there regretfully.
The most recently fucked over I have been with a gay boy gay boy friendship was the saddest and most hurtful and I never saw it coming. It was after I had a break up and I was venerable and this ‘close friend’ had comforted me through the break up and afterward. Seeming so genuine but as with most people who are liked by everyone they meet, it was all pretence. Being liked by everyone but loved by no one is a red alarm screaming warning that said person is not showing their true face, EVER. It’s impossible to be everyone’s cup of tea unless you make a calculated decision to be so.
I ended up being the butt of jokes behind my back, the focus of untrue rumours and put in situations I couldn’t control. All by this person who I had shared the most personal things with. Only finding out when a friend took me aside and told me what was going on. I confronted him and offered to have it out to no avail, he couldn’t face the truth of his intentions being revealed face to face. Crooks of the whole situation was that I had become recently single and was now a threat. I hadn’t been before because I was off the market. We went to pubs and I got attention, his friend had made it obvious he liked me, I’d gone on a date with someone he chose to like and this ‘friend’ explained that he would steal him from me given the chance (I should have guessed at that point really). When the end came and i decided that if he wouldn’t explain himself I would have to come to my own conclusion on his behaviour and where it came from. It was utter envy and nothing deeper. A lot of people thought it came from either him or me having feelings but I certainly didn’t and I don’t think he did. If he had, it actually would have made the betrayal worse. How could you treat someone you have feelings for like that? I wish it was more than envy because frankly it’s cheap.
I do want to always forgive and this comes from being a bit of a twat on the regular. Most the time when I act badly there is a true and honest reason. Relaying that to the hurt party is scary but, for me, a personal must, as it saves a connection and friendship you have both worked on. If you don’t do that then you lose in every way. When another person explains their behaviour you will, more than likely understand it, forgive and move on if they don’t they just move more and more in to dick head territory.
I don’t know whether other gay people have had this problem or it’s just me but I’d love to hear your stories. Do confide and tell us if you are secretly in love with you ‘best friend’.
I’ve had feelings for my straight guy mates and obviously nothing would ever happen and it’s better to keep them mates forever and deal with your feelings. Is this because you know that it’ll never happen?? probably. Where as if it could happen, why does it become so dark in the end? I shouldn’t finish with a question but I certainly don’t have the answers.